How To Help a Friend In Crisis
Today’s episode is about how to help a friend who’s in crisis because of illness or grief. It’s also about how to ask for help rather than waiting for friends to know exactly what to do.
My guest, Alissa Butterfass, is a mother of two, works in non-profit consulting, and also runs Alissa’s Book Lists, a Facebook page for book recommendations. She’s an active member of her children’s school community where she has experience giving support to people in challenging times, and also being on the receiving side of that support when she was diagnosed with cancer in 2014 and again when her husband Andy died unexpectedly in December 2019.
A few months ago, Alissa reached out on email to discuss a trend she saw on some of the Facebook pages and forums for widows. She wrote:
One thing I see over and over in these groups is people complaining that friends who said they’d be there for them have disappeared or dropped off or stopped supporting them. Now, maybe I am just lucky, but I honestly don’t feel that way. I feel like I have lots of friends who would be there for me — all I have to do is ask. I certainly don’t expect my friends to read my mind or guess what I need from them. And each time I see one of these complaints, I WANT to reply, “Have you asked for help? Do they know what you need? Are you expecting too much?”
So that started a conversation between the two of us about the nature of friendships when one of the friends is experiencing a crisis. I had not started DEAR NINA yet, but I knew I would, and I knew Alissa could help so many listeners.
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All of the suggestions below come from Alissa!
If you have a friend going through a crisis and want to help:
— Is there a structure already in place in your community already?
For meal trains:
— A cooler is a huge help. You could offer to bring one over and set it by front door so your friend can grab the meal when it’s convenient rather than having to coordinate with people bringing over meals.
— Bring food in disposable containers. It’s too hard to remember who delivered what.
— Restaurant gift cards and having a meals delivered from restaurants is great too. You don’t have to cook.
Other Ways To Help a Friend
— Laundry
— Gifts for kids, not just the adult. Games kids can play on their own. Alissa mentioned her brother-in-law getting the kids a subscription to Disney Plus, a super thoughtful, ongoing gift.
— Picking up meds
— If already at grocery store, call and say you’re there. Ask what basics might be needed (milk, cereal, produce, etc.)
— Light, entertaining magazines/books
— If you know of something that worked for you, get it for your friend. Alissa gave the example of cooling pjs that helped after her surgery.
— Don’t forget to keep checking in. People drop off over time. Alissa said, “Grief doesn’t end after a month. It comes and goes in waves.”
How To Ask a Friend For Help
— We discussed starting with a change of mindset. People want to help and want to do something that REALLY gives assistance. And remember, it always feels better when giving, so you’re giving your friends an opportunity to help you.
— Friends have expertise and don’t be afraid to call on that. Alissa spoke about a friend who helped sort through her late husband’s items.
— One of Alissa’s big fears was being left out of weekend plans all the time. She felt close enough to a few friends to tell them that and ask if she could sometimes come along and to be remembered.
I am so grateful to Alissa for coming on the show and sharing her story and experiences. If you want to get in touch with Alissa, let me know.
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Latest posts by Nina Badzin (see all)
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2 Responses
Great Episode!
Thank you so much for listening!