We Need to Hang Out: A Book Review
The latest friendship book in my “review of friendship books” series is We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends by Billy Baker.
Not unlike lots of nonfiction books these days, Baker’s memoir came out of popular article he wrote. In this case it was from a newspaper, The Boston Globe, and it was originally an article about the crisis of male friendship in middle age.
Could This Book Have Stayed An Article?
I normally read this kind of book born from an article and think, this didn’t need to extend into a book. But in Baker’s case, the memoir works on its own. I found Baker’s writing style charming and his quest to make deeper connections with friends he already knew totally relatable.
I receive tons of questions for my friendship advice column (and now podcast) from women looking for exactly the kind of problem solving Baker employs on his journey. That is, they want to know how to make friends as an adult. And Baker’s book is a long answer to that and a good one–you have to make the effort consistently. And you might already have people in your life worth getting to know better.
One of The Better Friendship Memoirs!
I appreciated how Baker gave a nod to the experts out there and provided some research, but not so much so that his story of putting friendship more central in his life is bogged down by it. The story comes first, which is what makes this book stand out from other friendship books. Of course there was the information here in almost every single friendship book–Blue Zone areas, Dunbar, the study from Jeffrey Hall about how long it takes to make friends. I’ve also referenced them all in my column at some point.
I wish more people writing about friendship would skip the chapter-long research details or at least not feel the need to devote so many pages to it. Anyone picking up a book about friendship already agrees that friendship is important. We don’t need loads of research proving this point. We know! That’s why we care about having and keeping friends. I share Baker’s feelings about there not being any real answers on friendships. What I write is called an “advice column,” but I see it more as a conversation about friendship than prescriptive advice. I’ve never once called myself an expert.
Dealing With The Friendship Experts
By page 141, Baker has realized that there’s an expert to tell you anything you want to hear and an expert to prove the opposite and that spending too much time on studies of friendship kind of sucks the life out of it all. He realizes that what has worked for him was being vulnerable and open about his desire to connect, making the plans, finding a place for his friends and perhaps-will-be-friends to hang out, finding a regular night, and making sure they had a shared goal to keep them active and engaged and not just sitting around.
“I simply needed somewhere to go, something to do, and someone to talk to. I didn’t lack for friends; I lacked for a way to be friends with my friends on the regular.”
Other Favorite Quotes From We Need To Hang Out
“Friendship is what happens beyond the tracking of favors.”
“Knowing you can rely on someone, and they can rely on you, is one of the most fulfilling of human interactions. There is profound mutual benefit there, yes, but also profound joy. The spark of human connection is second only to the spark of conception as the human acts that are indistinguishable from magic. I like you, and you like me, and together we won’t have to climb these mountains alone.”
That’s a perfect quote about friendship and a perfect place to end this review.
ASK ME AN ANONYMOUS FRIENDSHIP ADVICE QUESTION ANY TIME!
LISTEN TO THE PODCAST HERE OR SEARCH FOR “DEAR NINA” ON ANY APP.
JOIN THE DISCUSSION ANY TIME ON THE NEW DEAR NINA FACEBOOK PAGE.
ALL THE FRIENDSHIP TOPICS I’VE ALREADY COVERED SINCE 2014 ARE HERE.
Affiliate links to Amazon or Bookshop.org could result in a small commission to me.
Latest posts by Nina Badzin (see all)
- Dear Nina in The Wall Street Journal - April 27, 2024
- 5 Friendship Issues to Consider Addressing with a Therapist - April 17, 2024
- Subtle Friendship Slights and Changing Your Instagram Handle - April 10, 2024
- The Courage to Trust Friends After You’ve Been Hurt - April 2, 2024
2 Responses
I liked the comment on skipping all the introductions and why we all need friendships. He went straight to his point of making it happen on the regular. I think any age has trouble “on the regular.” But the commitment is always grea whether book club, dinner, cards or whatever.
Yes, I also believe commitment to regular get togethers makes all the difference.