Leaving and Losing Friends

Book Review: My Other Ex

My Other Ex book cover with train tracks

There’s a book coming out next week that made me want to cry with relief. (I was lucky to read an advanced copy.) My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends is a collection of essays by women who analyze the end of a particular friendship in their lives. The reason I loved this book so much, other than the quality storytelling and countless good points that I seemed to be highlighting every few minutes, was that it made me feel less crazy for thinking about friendship so much. These women do, too! (If you haven’t heard, I’m starting an advice column soon at theherstoriesproject.com all about “modern connections.”)

Jessica Smock, who co-edited the book along with Stephanie Sprenger, says that they started this project with the desire to look for answers for why women dwell on past friendships so much.

“We wanted to know why these stories resonated so deeply with women, years and decades later, revealing wounds deeper than the scars left from romantic relationships.”

In that search for answers, Smock and Sprenger wisely divided the essays into patterns such as childhood friendships, adult friendships, friendship issues that specifically involve the role of motherhood, reconciliations, and general reflections.

I saw other patterns, too. In Victoria Fedden’s letter to her unnamed former friend, we see how much Fedden wants her ex-friend to know the success she’s experienced and how much she’s changed. Don’t many of us want the friends that left us behind to notice us and hear about our good news? Catherine Carson echoes this reality, too, when she thinks about what it would be like to run into her former best friend. She says, “I’d want to show her who I’d become, how far I’d come into myself.”

Chelsea Schott, Angela Amman, and Allison Carter all write of their shame for abandoning a friend. Meredith Napolitano reflects on the pain of a friend abruptly ending the friendship with no explanation, then understanding that friend’s choice when she [Meredith] later is the one to leave a friend seemingly out of the blue without telling her why.

Another pattern comes from women who feel they were to blame for a friendship’s demise.

Some blame the other friend, and there are those who are not sure exactly what happened. Suzanne Barston summarizes one of the more likely scenarios: “I don’t know who left whom, or if anyone really left at all, or rather just failed to appear.” I also nodded vigorously when Arneyba Herndon states that many of us possess the knowledge that a friendship wasn’t quite right, balanced, or even good for us, yet we miss aspects of it anyway and wonder if the relationship could have been saved.

Some of the essays caused me to shout things to my Kindle because the pain from the past was so palpable.

Throughout  Alexandra Rosas’s superb essay, I yelled, “Stop calling her!” To Cheryl Suchor I said, “She’s cruel! You don’t want her back!” When Jennifer Simon hopes to receive a wedding invitation from a close friend who has shut her out, then receives one on accident and has to be told she is actually not invited, I felt Simon’s humiliation.

Of all the essays, I perhaps related most to Leah Vidal’s description of being on the receiving end of biting comments from her close friend. She says, “While I never addressed the comments I also stopped sharing parts of my life with her. I’m not sure if it was out of embarrassment or to avoid such comments in the future. Either way, our phone calls become few and far between.” I have been there, and like Vidal, I let the relationship whither to a state of surface politeness, a different sort of breaking up where we’re still in each other’s lives, but the intimacy is gone.

Another pattern in many of the essays is a sentiment of regret, which is stated succinctly by Shannan Ball Younger when she reflects on the friend who changed so much and drifted away: “I don’t know why I didn’t just call her. I’m sorry I never reached out. I don’t know why I didn’t.” I have been there, too.

We get a reprieve from some of the heartbreak with a few stories of reconciliation.

Estelle Erasmus’s and Hallie Sawyer’s stories of a friendship reconciliation that brought them even closer to their friends than before the drifting apart reminded me of the way I reconnected with one of my best friends from college years after our breakup, a story I told in the first collection published by The Herstories Project. Alison Lee wrote about reconciling with an online friend, a new world of relationships many of us here in the blogging world joyfully (and sometimes awkwardly) navigate as actively as our non-virtual friendships. Lea Grover’s story of getting her sister back in her life was moving and powerful. (You’ll have to read the book to find out why they didn’t speak for years.)

While I really liked going on a friendship journey with each writer, I also appreciated the final section of the book titled “What We’ve Learned.”

Editor Stephanie Sprenger begins the section with some reflections on what she’s learned about friendship breakups. I liked her point that we shouldn’t feel so ashamed about the friends who drift away as well as her realization that some of her closest friends are women who at one time had vanished from her life for years at a time.

In this final section of lessons learned, Galit Breen admits to having been a serial friend abandoner, someone who pulls away when a friend did something that upset her. Breen’s essay and her self-awareness about shutting out friends when things got tense in order to avoid a deeper hurt illustrated Sprenger’s important argument about how conflict can eventually bring people closer. Sometimes when one friend does the shutting out, however, she doesn’t also get to mend the friendship on her time table. The other person may be too far gone by then, too hurt by the silence and space. In other cases, the cooling off period works for everyone involved. Every situation is unique. I appreciated Vicky Willenberg’s reminder that sometimes a friendship can be saved by “making yourself vulnerable one more time in order to say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’ or even ‘I miss you.’

Kristin Shaw, however, makes a good point about the tricky eggshells that exist while putting a friendship back together. In Kristin’s words: “It’s hard to know when to stop bending over backward and just be yourself. You can lose yourself on the road back, wondering if you’ll ever be good enough again. It has to be worth that trip back with each tiny step.” I have found that in some cases the work involved in erasing those old hurts takes too much emotional negotiation, or the eggshell period lasts too long. There are times when it’s worth reconciling, and times when it is not. Katrina Anne Willis’s piece was a perfect one to come after Shaw’s as Willis realizes that she needs to stop dwelling on a friendship that ended. She moves on from trying to find out why it ended or even hoping for some kind of happy ending. There are times when that’s the only way to go. I have reconciled with no regrets and let go with no regrets, too.

What unifies all the essays is a brief but important mention in Alexis Calabrese’s piece. She says, “The good news is I have learned from our breakup. Like all long-term relationships that meet their demise, there is wisdom in the wake.”

There is much wisdom in the pieces I mentioned here and in all the ones I didn’t have space to name. Trust me and read this collection of essays! If you’ve lost a friend or left a friend (most people I know have been in both positions), you will relate and respect the writing, too. You can order the book here.


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Nina Badzin hosts the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. She's been writing about friendship since 2014, co-leads the writing groups at ModernWell in Minneapolis, and reviews 30+ books a year on her website.

79 Responses

  1. What a fabulous and thoughtful review, Nina. I love what Jessica and Stephanie are doing and feel as you do that friendship, particularly between women (maybe just because I am one), is a rich and fruitful topic. I’ve been trying to write a toast to the dear female friends who will be at a small 40th dinner this weekend for me and I am struggling!! xoxo

  2. Nina, I love your book reviews, because they are always thoughtful and insightful. I too, have always been fascinated with women’s friendships – the how, they why, yes, even the WTFs. 🙂 I look forward to your column on HerStories!
    Alison recently posted..Dear BabiesMy Profile

  3. Incredible review … I knew you would be able to give words to this anthology, but this? How could anyone not find a story to help them feel community, with what you’ve done here. Thank you, Nina. (I still see this acquaintance from my past around my town… and it stings every single time)

  4. I found my heart racing as you wrote, Nina. How can these stories of women and friendship make my pulse race as much as a romantic novel? These relationships are obviously important and, sometimes, overlooked. Can’t wait to read the book.

  5. I can’t wait to read this book. The first one was so beautiful and so thoughtful, and while I was reading the chapter on friendship loss I found myself nodding along through every single piece. I really think that there is no element of female friendship that is more relatable than the loss of one, and reading stories like the ones in that chapter, and the ones in the new book, make me feel so much less alone in my own friendship loss.

    1. So true– I loved that section, too (maybe biased because we were in it!) 😉 But yes, it does help me feel less alone, too. Thanks for stopping by to comment, Samantha!

  6. What a fabulous review, Nina. I always find it so curious how women need — almost as much as air — other female relationships and companionship, while men just don’t seem to clamor for those kinds of deep friendships (or at least not as much, I think?). That we have angst over lost friendships, therefore, makes sense. I’m still scratching my head over a friend who disappeared with no explanation; she was the maid of honor in my wedding!
    Melissa Crytzer Fry recently posted..InvisibleMy Profile

  7. Sounds like a fascinating book. I’ve certainly lost friends or left them behind–sometimes having to surgically remove them when I realized they were emotional vampires. So this is a subject I’m really interested in.

    I’m having trouble finding any tweet buttons here. I’m afraid the whole Tweet URL Rafflecopter thing is too hard for my cybermoron brain to get around. It would be nice just to have a share icon so people could tweet the piece. But I’ll do it through Bit.ly. I don’t like to just tweet a link with no text. I guess I’m old fashioned that way. 🙂
    Anne R. Allen recently posted..The Biggest Mistake New Writers Make and 5 Ways to Avoid ItMy Profile

  8. This is fantastic, Nina. Each of the stories tells such a personal story. It wasn’t until I read them, in order in the book, that I saw the cohesiveness, the repetition of devastation that we rarely see discussed. Each has its own point of view, sure, but each is steeped in the same premise: friendships fail and regardless of why, it hurts.

  9. I’m so excited for this book! I’ve been thinking about female friendships a lot in the past few months, so I’d love to read perspectives on the topic from so many insightful writers. In particular, I’ve been trying to make sense of intergenerational female friendships. I spent the summer nannying in the village I grew up in back home, and I ended up having long conversations with the mothers of my charges and their friends. I look up to these women so much, but at age 21, I’m not sure if I could consider them “friends”. I talked with them as equals this summer, but some of them also watched me grow up. I’m not sure where that places our relationships, but it’s made me consider all the strength and nuance that comes along with female friendships and how I want to work on expanding my friend circle to include women of many different ages and stages in life.

    1. Erin, there were a few examples in the book of intergenerational friendships. I absolutely hear what you’re saying. It’s hard to know “where to put” a relationship that falls in that category when the woman is not your aunt, cousin, etc. I often find that I love talking to mom’s friends and my in-laws’ friends. A good portion of my blog readers are their age, too. I don’t know– we just connect! What a cool experience you had this summer!

  10. My friend Kristin is a contributor to this book. I have never been disappointed with her writing or recommendations. I look forward to reading this.

  11. I would love to receive a copy of this book! It’s definitely one that I need to read. I don’t make friends easily, and when I do develop a friendship I tend to fall in love. When those friendships die, it is devastating. It would be good to read the insights of other women who have experienced the loss of a close friendship as something like a divorce.
    Belladonna Took recently posted..“Fun Home”, by Alison BechdelMy Profile

    1. There can for sure be that divorce-like element complete with other women in your lives taking sides. And many of the women described meeting their best friends as a falling in love feeling. I’ve had that, too.

  12. Is there a woman alive who does not experience angst over friendships from the past? My life has led me to move a LOT! Usually I am the one leaving others, but a couple of times it was the reverse. It is an interesting difference. Additionally, in adolescence I was in a destructive friendship and it almost did destroy me. Very traumatizing. What a lamb I was!

  13. I’m glad my review is written already, or I would never be able to write one after reading yours, Nina. I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughtful insights, and I loved the way you pointed out the patterns that occur throughout the 35 essays. It really is a wonderful book!
    Dana recently posted..My Love List for SeptemberMy Profile

  14. This book sounds really interesting. I’ve always thought such a book should be written. Great idea and definite need. Finally, we can all feel NORMAL for analyzing this stuff. I hope I win the book. I’d like a paperback!

  15. I’ve been following your blog for a while and I thoroughly enjoy reading about your insights into certain matters. I particularly love your pieces which centre around relationships. This particular one about friends, and this book, really resonates with me.

    About a month ago, I ‘made up’ with an old friend from high school. We were once best friends until our friendship just ended for no real reason – though perhaps if I was being honest, the reason was me. Similar to one of the writers above, I got hurt and decided to back out. I didn’t foresee that it would end the friendship forever though. But it did. From avoiding her for one day, a friendship was ended.

    But! The good news is that her amazing friendship during those high school years has never left me (it’s been 13 years since); I always wondered what could have been. So a couple months ago I decided to Facebook message her (we were Facebook friends at least..) and let her know I appreciated and valued the friendship I had with her all those years ago and that I’m sorry it ended – and for my part in it ending. It was beautiful, and so freeing.

    We aren’t besties again, I doubt we’ll ever actually be close again, we’re different people now. We have whole lives that the other knows nothing about. But I am just so happy that we’ve actually now spoken about it. We had never done that at all. We finally acknowledged the hurt and the regret of a beautiful friendship lost, and we both were genuinely sorry. It was a healing.
    Ruqaiyah recently posted..Bowing OutMy Profile

    1. First of all, thank you so much for that compliment. As for your comment on friendships, I think you hit on something important. It’s not always that we *need* a full reconciliation where the friendship is reinstated. Just that acknowledgement that you were once close and that the falling out was hurtful can be enough to satisfy that ache of memory. I think for the most part we want our memory of the good times to be honored. Thank goodness for Facebook! (sometimes!) Thanks for taking the time to leave your thoughts here.

  16. Nina, I am honored you loved my essay and thrilled to be included in this review on several levels. I am in the company of amazing, strong writers who happen to be women. There is nothing like the sense of satisfaction to see one’s work in print and recognized by accomplished writers such as yourself. Thank you! I look forward to getting to know you better. Not sure how I didn’t know of you before, but I do now and you’ve earned yourself a new stalker. ‘-)
    Leah Vidal recently posted..How Team Sports Raise ChampionsMy Profile

  17. This is a book I have to read.
    I’ve been on both sides of this issue, as both the dumper and the dumped (for lack of a more elegant term).

    It is always painful and I have always related to your interest in the topic of friendship, Nina.

    Everyone else is finally catching up to you
    🙂

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Hi, I'm Nina

HI, I’M NINA BADZIN. I’m a writer fascinated by the dynamics of friendship, and I’ve been answering anonymous advice questions on the topic since 2014. I now also answer them on my podcast, Dear Nina! I’m a creative writing instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a freelance writer and editor, and an avid reader who reviews 50 books a year. Welcome to my site! 

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Hi, I'm Nina

HI, I’M NINA BADZIN. I’m a writer fascinated by the dynamics of friendship, and I’ve been answering anonymous advice questions on the topic since 2014. I now also answer them on my podcast, Dear Nina! I’m a creative writing instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a freelance writer and editor, and an avid reader who reviews 50 books a year. Welcome to my site! 

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I send an email once or twice a month with the latest friendship letters, podcast episodes, book reviews, recipes, and more.

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