The most recent letter at my advice site was incredibly honest and heartfelt. The letter was long and I worried it was too long for the site, but when I hinted at the topic, several friends urged me to post it. The letter is about one woman’s struggle to break into a certain group of parents at her kids’ school and about her kid’s efforts/struggles as well. It’s also about watching others swoop in and fit in so seamlessly and all the uncertainty that creates about your ability to make friends and your worthiness, too.
Dear Nina,
When we moved into our area and my older daughter started kindergarten at the neighborhood elementary school, I worked hard to meet new friends, both for my daughter’s sake and mine. I introduced myself, asked for contact info, and pursued play dates. Over the first couple of years, I started some good relationships with other moms in one of her activities. My husband and I got invited to parties thrown by school parents and were generally included. I found a few families that I felt were “our speed” and we got together with them for Halloween and other fun events. I introduced families to each other and organized a table for a school benefit. I felt good about things.
Now that my daughter is about to start 5th grade, I’m noticing that a lot of families have grouped off. It seems like they are constantly together for dinners, nights out, vacations, etc. I don’t think that I’m extroverted enough to want to be hanging out with other families ALL the time. It seems a little exhausting. And yet, I feel a little sad to not have “our people.” I’m introverted, as is my husband and daughter. I can be super outgoing at times, but not all the time. I need time to myself. I only dip into social media periodically and I don’t constantly text with a million people.
My husband is a little offbeat and not much of a “guy’s guy.” So even when I’m included for ladies’ nights, he’s not included with the husbands when they play poker or whatever. (This does not bother him.) On top of this, my husband has a chronic illness that makes things hard for us. He often doesn’t feel well, and sometimes can’t join me for events we’ve been invited to.
Enter my younger sister. We’ve always been close and our age gap allowed us to be friends without being competitive. Her family moved into our neighborhood a few years ago. Our kids get to grow up together and go to the same school and we can help each other out with child care. That part is a dream.
Right away, I realized that some of the families we hang out with (the ones that I described as “our speed”) had kids the same age as my sister’s kid. Of course, I introduced my sister and started including her and her family in social events. My sister and these families hit it off as did her kid and their kids. My brother-in-law helps coach these things along with the other dads, and they all go camping, and are on the same teams for several sports. My sister is great friends with the women and they all see each other several times per week for all of these teams.
I quickly realized that my sister’s family is definitely part of that group, and mine is not. We sometimes get invited to social gatherings, and it’s really hard not to feel like an outsider. When we do get invited, I feel like it’s a pity invite or a courtesy because I’m her sister. Even my daughter, who has friends in the same grade as these families, has a hard time at these social gatherings because the other kids are on teams together and are super outgoing, while she is a little more bookish and quiet.
-How do I not struggle with feeling “not good enough” to be included? My family feels different, and I love us for who we are, but I wish other people did too.
-How do I find the energy to start all over again with trying to find new friends who are a better fit for us?
-How should I handle the awkwardness I feel when we attend parties with these people?
Thanks for your help, Feeling Not Good Enough
Dear Feeling Not Good Enough,
Two weeks ago in the writing group I lead, the theme of my class was “belonging.” Before everyone dove into their own work, I shared a snippet of David Sedaris’s essay, “Consider the Stars” from his essay collection Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim. I want you to read it, before we discuss your specific situation.
It hardly seems fair we’d get the universe all to ourselves, but on a personal level I’m highly disturbed by the thought of extraterrestrial life. If there are, in fact, billions of other civilizations, where does that leave our celebrities? If worth is measured on a sliding scale of recognition, what would it mean if we were all suddenly obscure? How would we know our place?
In trying to make sense of this, I think back to a 1968 Labor Day celebration at the Raleigh Country Club. I was at the snack bar, listening to a group of sixth-graders who lived in another part of town and sat discussing significant changes in their upcoming school year. According to the girl named Janet, neither Pam Dobbins nor J.J. Jackson had been invited to the Fourth of July party hosted by the Duffy twins, who later told Kath Matthews that both Pam and J.J. were out of the picture as far as the seventh grade was concerned. “Totally, completely out,” Janet said. “Poof.”
I didn’t know any Pam Dobbins or J.J. Jackson, but the reverential tone of Janet’s voice sent me into a state of mild shock. Call me naïve, but it had simply not occurred to me that other schools might have their own celebrity circles. At the age of twelve, I thought the group at E.C. Brooks was if not nationally known, then at least its own private phenomenon. Why else would our lives revolve around it so completely? I myself was not a member of my school’s popular crowd, but I recall thinking that, whoever they were, Janet’s popular crowd couldn’t compete with ours. But what if I was wrong? What if I’d wasted my entire life comparing myself with people who didn’t really matter? Try as I might, I still can’t wrap my brain around it.
Read this line again: I thought the group at E.C. Brooks was if not nationally known, then at least its own private phenomenon. Why else would our lives revolve around it so completely?
What if there is nothing “wrong” with you whatsoever and you’ve simply put too much energy and focus on this one particular group of parents? That this group was a better fit for your sister doesn’t make your sister the winner and you the loser. It only makes her a better fit for this one particular group. She’s lucky that she didn’t have to work as hard. That’s how it goes for some people and it sounds like it’s always been the case for her. But her magnetic personality is not about you. You compare yourself to her because you’re sisters, but it’s not about you at all.
Some people have to work harder to find their people. Instead of feeling like something is wrong with you, I’d love for you to see this as more of a factual situation. Fact: For your sister and some other people, it’s easy to make friends; for others, it takes longer. Period. No emotion. No negative self-talk. Just facts.
Sometimes it seems to be going well (like it did for you in the first few years), but then as interests change, the way people spend their time changes, too. It sounds like this crew is dedicated to sports, which takes tons of time. Plans get made in the bleachers for the dinner three nights later or trips over spring break or whatever. Often times convenience and proximity account for the success of friendships.
You also tried to make convenience and proximity work in your favor by starting with the school parents. It was a sensible place to start, but that doesn’t mean it’s where your search should end. In my writing classes, I’ve seen women forge friendships that simply would not have happened without the class. Some are married, some are not. Some have kids, some do not. If they have kids, the kids go to different schools and there’s too big of an age gap to do things together as families. My point is that you’re going to have to look beyond the obvious places for friends. Consider your interests as a place to start.
Moving onto your specific questions:
How do I not struggle with feeling “not good enough” to be included? My family feels different, and I love us for who we are, but I wish other people did too.
You’re going to force yourself to feel more matter of fact about this whole thing. Tell yourself, “They are nice enough people and I’m glad my sister found them. But they’re not my people.” Life is too short to waste any more time revolving your social life (and your thoughts about your social life) around this one particular group. Like in the Sedaris piece, this group only carries weight because you allow it to. Imagine someone from another city telling you about the fifth grade parents who aren’t that friendly to them anymore. What would you say? I bet you’d say, You need to look somewhere else then. That’s what I’m telling you, too.
How do I find the energy to start all over again with trying to find new friends who are a better fit for us?
You’re so far ahead already. #1. You’ve done it before. #2. You know it takes work. The new question you’re going to ask yourself is, “What kind of people do I like?” Worry less about who will like/accept you and start with the kind of people you’re drawn towards. You started your letter saying you felt these people were your speed, but it seems in time you realized they weren’t. It’s okay to keep looking faster this time when you realize your first impression is wrong. AND, this time I think you’re looking less for a “group” and more for individuals. Your daughter can be led to do the same thing.
How should I handle the awkwardness I feel when we attend parties with these people?
People may disagree with me on this one, but I say, DON’T GO. If it’s a whole-school function, fine. You can go and find some new people to talk to for an hour or two. But don’t go to the smaller gatherings. I don’t see any reason to go anymore. You don’t need to make a big deal about it. You can appreciate the invitation and say you’re busy. Your sister is your sister and doesn’t have to be part of your friend group. I bet she’d understand. Over time, the people in this group will become friendly acquaintances of yours and you will not think of them as friends. There’s nothing wrong with more friendly faces at school functions. Try to move this crew to that category in your mind.
Your people are out there. And all you need is one solid person anyway. Start small and things may grow naturally from there.
I’m rooting for you, Nina
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