Fixing a Broken Friendship
In “The Forgiveness Episode: Fixing a Broken Friendship,” I discussed whether it’s possible to truly forgive a friend who hurt you and whether you can restart a friendship that ended. Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean staying friends or becoming friends again. I’m merely asking listeners to be open to the possibility.
The main part of today’s episode will focus on the very close friend who gave ME a second a chance.
FIND THE FORGIVENESS EPISODE ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LIKE TO LISTEN! You can also listen below.
The Forgiveness Episode
The timing of this episode is no accident. The Jewish High Holy Days are upon us, and for the entire month as the holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, gets closer, we’re supposed to approach the people we have hurt and ask for their forgiveness. This isn’t something you do ON Yom Kippur; it’s something you do for weeks leading up to the day.
There was no person better to bring on to discuss forgiveness, than one of my very best friends, Rebecca Kotok. She accepted my apology years after I did something that hurt her, and we became closer than ever. There is way more to that story, which Rebecca and I will tell you together since the story involves both of us.
Let me tell you just a little bit about Rebecca. She’s a certified kindergarten-12th grade professional counselor. She’s the lead mental health professional at an elementary school in Montgomery County Maryland serving almost 600 students from diverse backgrounds. A fun fact is that Rebecca and I both have four kids. She’s one of the smartest and wittiest people I know and I’m really lucky she accepted my apology.
In the episode we spent some time on how we met in our dorm at Washington University in St. Louis on the first day of freshmen year. We talked about our instant chemistry, how we became each other’s home base–that friend who aways checks in with you. We ate meals together. We made sure the other got home safely. And this was all before cell phones so frankly it was a bigger job in the mid-90s than it is today. People keep track on their snap maps now!
Things went south, but not all at once.
Rebecca and I spend a good deal of the episode on the details of senior year when neither of us was that easy to be friends with. Here’s the thing that’s always hard to understand about the way our friendship fractured slowly, it wasn’t just one thing. Nobody stole anybody’s boyfriend. Nobody ditched anyone to make different living arrangements or plan trips without the other.
Rebecca summarized our downfall like this: “People don’t see the world as it is, they see it as they are.” We had very different experiences abroad junior year and we came back for senior year in different mindsets.
After college, our long distance friendship felt forced. We couldn’t just text or “like” Facebook posts and therefore our friendship didn’t simply and without drama drag on for decades like many friendships do. I made the decision to abruptly end the friendship. We spend time in the episode discussing the aftermath of that choice and the letter I wrote two years later asking Rebecca for her forgiveness as well as the year that went by before Rebecca responded. I had set the terms for our breakup and Rebecca had the right to determine if and when we would reconcile.
When two of our mutual close friends had weddings planned for the same summer, there was no avoiding each other. At the wedding in NYC, we went for a walk. By the end of that walk, our break was officially over. Rebecca addressed some of what I had written in the letter, but we didn’t harp on the past too much.
We agreed then, and again in the episode, that however difficult and hurtful our time apart had been, it had served its purpose.
We had ended up with time to grow into ourselves in ways that were hard for the other one to understand and therefore support. Our original chemistry was back in full force and we found that we led similar lives with similar values.
I went to Rebecca’s wedding, but she didn’t get to go to mine. We discuss that unfortunate fact in the episode. In terms of our friendship now, we can go two months without talking then speak every day for a week as we try to get to the end of one simple story. Our friendship is very important to each of us. We’ve known each other since 1995 and only took about three years off. Our track record is GOOD!
At the end of the episode, I share two stories from listeners about forgiveness. In the first story, forgiveness is granted on all sides. The friendships mentioned have remained strong for many years after the initial breakup. In the second story, forgiveness is granted years later, but then the caller realized old patterns were back and she decided to say goodbye for good this time.
Thank you to middle grade author Amy Makechnie for reading the first story from the anonymous email I received in response to my call for forgiveness stories. I adored Amy’s novel, The Unforgettable Guinevere St. Clair and cannot wait to read Ten Thousand Tries.
Rebecca and I ended by discussing the idea of letting go of anger even when you don’t want to restart the friendship.
I shared this quote from Maggie Smith in her book Keep Moving:
“Setting down your anger towards toward someone doesn’t mean excusing or forgiving them—it means protecting yourself. It means refusing to carry something that can poison you if you keep it close too long. Try to let go today, even just a little. Keep moving.”
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2 Responses
What a profound and beautiful story!! Thank you for sharing such a private, painful and wonderful journey- it’s incredibly relatable and nostalgic. The way you both lead with empathy and self-awareness is admirable. This was a real gem of a listen 💗
I’m so happy and touched to see this comment! I shared it with Rebecca too. This was one of my favorite episodes for sure.