Yes, Friends WILL Hang Out Without You
Accepting that friends will hang out without you is a key to happier adult friendships. It’s a key to kids’ friendships, too, but it might be too much to expect from kids and teens without more experience and maturity. In episode 9 of Dear Nina, my best friend, Taryn Kessel, and I discuss this tricky aspect of friendship.
We also talked about how to balance the desire for smaller, intimate friend gatherings with the desire to never leave anyone out. If you’ve ever been excluded, you know how terrible it feels. But as we get older, we need to figure out how to be gracious about “letting” friends hang out without us, especially if we are also the types who value outings with a few friends at a time. In other words, everybody can’t be invited to everything–something most of us know to be true, but feel sad about anyway when we’re the ones not invited.
And don’t forget to listen to the end of the show for the Better Friendship Goal of the week.
FIND EPISODE 9 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO PODCASTS! You can also listen below.
The anonymous question was read by Julie Christianson, who lives in Southern California and writes romantic comedies, most recently The Mostly Real McCoy.
Dear Nina,
My daughter-in-law posed this question and I could use your help with an answer.
My son and daughter-in-law, Josh and Mia, had a dinner group of sorts with two other couples. The six of them would almost always get together at Josh and Mia’s house because they didn’t have a babysitter for their two-year-old twins and the other couples had readily available child care.
Everyone got busy and about six months has passed since the last get together.
Couple A said to Josh and Mia, “Hey, we miss getting together for dinner. Let’s make plans to go out to some family friendly place with the kids.” No mention of Couple B.
So Mia’s question is this: Since dinner together had always been a thing with all three couples, should she ask Couple B to join them?
My response was no because:
1) This is a different scenario. Dinner out with the whole family rather than dinner at home with just couples.
2) Couple A initiated the plan so it would be up to them to reach out to Couple B if they wanted.
3) Trying to find a restaurant for three couples plus six kids would be tough!
I guess the question really comes down to something I’ve struggled with, too. How do you tactfully and gracefully make plans with friends who are part of a larger group without including everyone every time?
Sincerely,
Mia’s Mother-in-Law
Some of what Taryn and I covered:
— It’s okay to prefer smaller outings and not have everyone in a group be part of the plan all of the time.
— If you feel friends are often getting together without you and you want IN, be the one to reach out and make plans. Don’t wait for invitations.
— When people act offended when friends get together without them, it doesn’t inspire future invitations if there’s a lot of “pouting” and standing on ceremony. It’s important to learn to accept that friends can and will do things in smaller numbers. I mentioned that “be less offended” is probably the answer to most friendship questions I receive.
— When you’re feeling left out, focus on who you can invite to something instead. As Pam Moore and I discussed in episode three, most people are waiting for invitations and fewer people initiate plans. Be an initiator.
— Taryn and I believe that if an adult or a kid is always being left out, they are probably in the wrong social circle. Everyone is left out sometimes, but to quote Taryn, “If you’re feeling like an outsider in your group. You are an outsider in your group.”
BETTER FRIENDSHIP GOAL OF THE WEEK:
I have become much better over the years about not feeling a twinge of ickiness when I hear friends are getting together without me, and I work hard to give that message to my kids, which took a ton of time and experience. It was not always easy for me. When you hear about friends getting together without you, that this means you have friends who value quality time and it gives you permission, if you feel you need it, to also make plans with just one or two people and not worry about who will feel left out. Sometimes we need that permission and I am giving it to you. HOWEVER, you must be gracious when you’re the one not coming along.
Thank you to producer, Dave Dluger.
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2 Responses
Listened to this while on the treadmill. It hit home, especially the later conversation about the kids. But it also brought to mind my sibling relationships. With so many of them, the same issues arise. Thanks Nina! You are a natural!
Thank you for listening!