The Art of Successful Small Talk and Body Language For Making New Friends
Welcome to episode #15 of Dear Nina: Conversations about Friendship. The last few episodes have turned into a mini-series of sorts about making new friends as an adult whether you moved or are ready for a change in your social life.
In episodes 13 and 14 we talked about getting out of our comfort zones and scheduling regular activities and even using social media to make new local friends. We also talked about keeping expectations in check.
Today we’re rewinding to an essential step of friend making: the art of successful small talk and some other “basic” skills. I put basic in quotes, because this stuff is hard!
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I know that those two words, “SMALL” and “TALK,” just made lots of listeners shudder. Small talk has a bad rap.
Either we think we’re bad at it, or maybe we’re good at it, but hate it anyway.
However, small talk is such a huge part of socializing and having some decent small talk and body language skills in our arsenals is important. It’s almost impossible to go from total strangers to acquaintances to friends to close friends who are there for you in good and bad times without some small talk in those beginning stages.
I’m no expert, but my guest Ali Wenzke is here to help.
Ali Wenzke is the author of The Art of Happy Moving: How to Declutter, Pack, and Start Over While Maintaining Your Sanity and Finding Happiness. Ali and her husband moved ten times in eleven years, living in six states. Her advice has been featured on in Forbes, U.S. News & World Report, Today.com, Real Simple, Fast Company, Parents magazine and many more places. She has practical tips for before, during and after moving, which of course includes making friends. Part of her book deals specifically with small talk and body language when trying to establish new ties, which is why Ali is the perfect guest for today’s episode. Ali is now happily settled in the Chicago suburbs with her husband and three children. She actually ended up in Wilmette, which is close to the suburb of Chicago where I grew up.
Some of our conversation before we got to the question:
— Ali’s point: often when we move, it’s at the peak of our friendships so it’s important not to compare those new friendships you’re making to the well established ones.
— I talked about sometimes being jealous of people who get to move and re-invent themselves or have a fresh start. Ali talked about how moving is closely connected with successful habit change, so I might be onto something.
Let’s get to our listener question.
Dear Nina,
I’m in my late 30s and have lived just a bit outside of DC for two years with my husband and two elementary school-aged kids. I’ve listened to past episodes and read past advice on your site about making new friends as an adult. I believe I’ve done some of what you and others have suggested. I joined a book club, I volunteer at the school, and I joined a gym where I try to attend the same few classes each week. We’re not members of a faith community and don’t intend to be.
While I definitely know people, I wouldn’t call them friends. I like a few of my colleagues, but they’re quite a bit younger and I’m not interested in making more of those relationships than what they are.
I know I can be kind of quiet and maybe even standoffish. I guess I really hate small talk, or I’m just not good at it. It seems a big leap to go from impersonal chit chat to a legitimate friendship. Does it really just take more time, or is there some secret I’m not in on that everyone else seems to know?
Thanks for any advice, Trisha
Short Cuts For Making New Friends When You Move
Ali and I talked about Jeffery Hall’s study on how long it takes to make friends, which comes up in several episodes because it really proves that it takes a lot of time. Nevertheless, Ali has some short cuts for people who are moving to a new town, which is her speciality.
#1. Start before you move.
#2. Look for other new people when you get there. Newer people are often more willing to branch out to new friends.
#3. Cast a wide net.
Some Notes About SMALL TALK
— part of good small talk comes from a place of being curious about other people
— what frustrates me sometimes about small talk is feeling like I’m interviewing someone when they don’t ask questions back
— Ali pointed out that body language really comes first. She talked about her “SNEAK attack method.” It was such great info. See below.
S: Smile! You feel happier and make others happier too. Hard with masks, but we mean in non-masked times.
N: Neatness. (This one is more a lesson for kids.)
E: Eye contact. Do not be staring at your phone all the time. If you don’t feel like talking to anyone, fine! But don’t stare at your phone expecting to make a connection anywhere.
A: Arms Open. Be aware of how you’re standing. Standing with your arms crossed can be off putting.
K: Kindness. “Don’t criticize, compare, or complain.” Ali advises not complaining about your new city to that city’s residents.
My friend, Julie Lyon, who has moved several times in the past handful of years advised something similar. She said, “Bring in people to your life who love your new city.”
BETTER FRIENDSHIP GOAL OF THE WEEK:
Whether you moved or not, this goal is for you. Once in a while, put the phone down, make eye contact and smile. As Ali points out, we get something out of human connection in person. It doesn’t have to be about making a new friend.
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2 Responses
I enjoyed THE SNEAK. So many people cross their arms. Mostly men. The phone is always a no no. Just gets stale watching people scroll. It’s almost a personal affront in public already. It should be a policy to put it away. Family dinners out, everyone’s on their phone! Really! Then stay home. What’s so important after hours. Adults need to set the example.
My frustration with small talk is feeling that the other person asked an open ended question, but they clearly didn’t want an open ended answer. They might ask how my weekend went, but if I say anything more than ‘it was good!’ they get a glazed over look. It makes me feel like I’m trying too hard to connect with someone when I was really just trying to make small talk; then I get defensive and probably respond coldly the next time to prove I don’t need them. I think you mentioned this at the end of the episode, I’m not looking to make new friends- but I’m not opposed to it so I’m willing to make small talk to see if there’s a spark.