[00:00:00] Nina: Welcome to Dear Nina, Conversations About Friendship. Today’s topic is about five questions to ask yourself and about your current friendships in this past academic year. Five ways to grade your current friendships is another way of thinking of it.

Even if you’re not a student or you don’t have kids, I find that thinking in school years is a helpful unit of time. Let’s say, mid August through end of May. It’s end of May right now when I’m recording this. I want us to assess our friendships and how they went this year in this quote unquote academic season.

And if you do have kids of any age all the way through college, this might be a good short episode to send to them or to listen to with them. And when I say us assessing our friendships, or it’s a good thing for us to do, I really mean me too. I’m right there along with you always trying to make sure I’m being the friend I want to be and having the kind of friends I want to have.

Let me introduce myself for a moment in case this is your first time here. I just had a really random post on TikTok go kind of insanely viral. And whenever that happens, it does not happen often, but it does happen every so often on Instagram or TikTok. And there’s really no rhyme or reason to it. I would give you advice on that if you’re a social media person, but I couldn’t possibly because who knows why some things take off but when that does happen, I do get a handful of new listeners.

So I am your host Nina Badzin. I’ve been writing about friendship for almost 10 years. It’ll be 10 years in September I’m gonna do some sort of special episode then I haven’t decided what to do to mark the occasion, but definitely I need to and that’s on the writing side of things. In July I will do a special episode for three years of podcasting about friendship I want to do some kind of giveaway for the three year podcast anniversary. If you have an idea I’d love to hear it in my history of writing on the internet blogging, etc I’ve always done a book giveaway to mark some sort of anniversary But I want to do something different something more special. I’m open to all ideas.

Back to the topic, grading our friendships. With all of these years of writing about friendship, which has included answering many anonymous friendship questions and reading way more of them than I could possibly answer, certain patterns have emerged.

And I’ll continue to talk about those patterns on these mini solo episodes. I do love doing a solo episode. As much as I love interviews, of course, I love talking to people, hearing their thoughts on friendships I also love the opportunity to just tell you what’s been on my mind, friendship wise, what I’ve been thinking about while I read these questions and talk to people.

It’s the end of the school year. Maybe you got some grades, maybe your kids got some grades, maybe at work you got an assessment of some kind. It’s worth your time to take a look at your friendships though and give yourself a real analysis and assessment. There are five questions I want us to be asking ourselves.

[00:02:58] Nina: I think they’d make great journal prompts or at least something worth thinking about with a little more time one by one. We’re going to breeze through this because it’s a podcast, but I would love to see people take out a piece of paper at some point, and jot these questions down. I’ll review them again at the end and say them one by one. And of course, they’ll be in the show notes because I think each one of them really takes time to think through where you stand on these issues to give yourself, you know, a grade if we’re going to keep using the grade metaphor. What you’re going to get here is just an introduction to each idea.

Number one, did you get caught up in keeping score this year? I find that keeping score is one of the biggest downfalls in a friendship, and if the downfall hasn’t happened yet, it probably is coming.

Why? Because if you feel like you need to keep score, then something is off in this friendship. Keeping score might look like mentally keeping track loosely, of course, I don’t mean that you literally have a piece of paper out and you’re marking down who called first, who wanted to make plans first, how quickly somebody responded when you texted.

These aren’t things we start taking notice of and friendships when we’re secure in the friendship, when we feel supported. you really only start noticing those things when something feels off. And that’s why all of a sudden you’re like, well, I’m the one who reached out the last five times. Let’s see what happens if I don’t. And if you’ve listened to this podcast ever or read my newsletter you know that I’m really against testing friends. I think if you even have the thought that you need to test a friend, something is off. So when this happens, a few possibilities are in play. Either you really are the one making 95 percent of the effort in this friendship or, and this or is a big potentially friendship saving point that I’ve hammered on in many episodes. So really listen closely. Or you’re not letting in the other ways in which your friend is making efforts. Many people are overwhelmed with life and not organized with their time, so they’re not the first to reach out to you or to anyone.

It’s not personal. each situation is different, so only you can give an honest assessment of whether you’re overly focused on one way a person can show their desire for friendship, or whether there truly is an imbalance there.

In the show notes, I’m going to add a few episodes where I have focused entirely on this question of imbalance, of who reaches out first, all of that, because I know that that deserves its own episode and that’s why I’ve done it. in terms of thinking about your friendships, August through May, this past school year, if you’re keeping score, I’m giving you a bad grade.

Don’t be mad. Once you’re keeping score, there are issues and the issue may not just be the other person. Number two, did you overly focus on what your friends should be doing to strengthen your friendship rather than on what you should be doing?

I’m going to say that again. Number two, did you overly focus on what your friends should be doing to strengthen your friendship rather than on what you should be doing? Some of the letters I receive have this undertone of what I call the shoulds. My friend should do this, they should do that. If you find yourself caught up in that this past year, then it’s time to assess whether this is a friendship you need to focus on less maybe. And I’m not saying you’re wrong. Maybe your friend should be doing certain things, but instead of overly obsessing about it, maybe it’s time to bring some other friends closer to you.

Or if you’re being a little hard on other people, that’s something you need to really reflect on. Thank you. we, and I include myself, can have a false sense of control of how much we can make other people be the kind of friend we want. All we can do is be the kind of friend we want to be, and then you choose whether to spend time with other people.

But you cannot control their behavior. So if you find yourself or your kids find themselves starting a lot of stories with, so and so should have done this, fill in the blank, included me in that dinner, told me about that trip, added me to the group chat, and so on and so on and so on. It is probably time to think about, at least for the next school year, bringing other people closer. Because when you have a whole list of shoulds for other people, that is not a happy, healthy dynamic in your life. And again, only you know, maybe with some help, whether this problem is the people you’re trying to hang out with, or if you’re being overly hard on people. And maybe it’s a little bit of both.

Number three, do you owe anyone an apology? You’re probably noticing a pattern by now in these questions. I’m really asking that we all assess ourselves on what we can control, not other people. So I’m asking, is there anyone who might feel that they’re owed an apology from you? Not, who owes you an apology, because I know that’s really tempting to think about how we have been wronged, but turn the table as we assess the end of this school year. Is there anyone you wronged? Did your kid wrong anybody?

And by the way, I really feel strongly that parents do not owe apologies for things their kids did, but maybe you can help your kid think about if there’s somebody that might be waiting for an apology and maybe before the end of the school year or at least before the next school year begins. Would it be appropriate to reach out and say, I know I hurt your feelings when this happened.

You don’t have to use that expression. Just some way of reaching out and saying, I want to apologize for something I did and start the next school year on a new page. That could be a really powerful thing to do. And I bet something that people would not forget. And I’m talking adults or kids, but again, you don’t need to apologize for your kids. Especially your teens.

Number four, is there someone out there who might appreciate your friendship? At any point in the school year, did you or your kids encounter a potential friend? Maybe you started playing pickleball and there’s someone whose vibe you really like. Maybe your kid took up gymnastics and there’s a kid there who could be a good non school friend for your kid. Maybe at work, you’re drawn to someone who just started at the office. I want you to ask yourself, are you waiting for that person to reach out first? So again, back to the theme today of taking control of what we can take control of. If you make the first move before August, before the next school year, I’m giving you an A plus in this category.

Making the first move, which could be anything from asking for a phone number, even just saying the words, I’m so glad I met you this year. Just that, that’s a great start. Those are things in your control to move a friendship forward. There is a Big difference. This is its own important category, not for this episode.

I just want to mention it. There is a big difference between meeting people and making friends. First, of course, you have to meet people. And even those examples I gave, pickleball, your kid’s activity, work, those are all good ways to meet people. But that’s not the same as becoming friends. Some action needs to happen to go from, Oh, we have met, we’re acquaintances, we see each other at these activities to actually being friends.

And that’s a slow process. But if you’re the one who moves it forward, even an inch, you get an inch. A plus in this category.

And number five, last category is, did you accept that not every friend can fill every role in your life this school year? If during this past year you found yourself repeatedly disappointed in certain friends, it may be because you’re expecting each friend to check every box, which is not a good way to go forward. So this is your chance this summer to flip it, to have a different mindset. I really like to urge listeners and readers. to let their friends off the hook a little bit more. Just like we want to be let off the hook. I’m going to give you an example from my life, because this one is maybe a little harder without examples.

I have a friend who invites me to see a certain band in small venues in Minneapolis. In the last three years, I have probably said yes one time. That friend could decide to be frustrated with me and give up on our friendship. She could even be getting well intentioned advice from her other friends to give up on this friendship I could see someone saying that, Oh, you keep asking her. She keeps saying, no, stop asking. So why does this friend keep asking? I’m guessing she sees that I make effort in other ways.

She doesn’t expect me to check the friendship box of concert goer. She keeps asking just to be inclusive which is so nice. She really could probably drop me from that list and I wouldn’t mind but I get why she keeps asking This is her way of letting me know. I want you there. I’m trying to include you and and that’s perfectly nice.

I’m guessing she keeps me on that list because I’m the one who Almost always takes the initiative to make sure our kids get together. Her kid’s a thousand times busier than my kid involved in way more sports. So I have basically taken on the role of making sure they see each other. I don’t want to get too in the weeds on this one specific friendship, but bottom line, I’m not this person’s concert friend, obviously it doesn’t make me a bad friend.

And this friend doesn’t take that much responsibility to make sure our kids get together, and that doesn’t make her a bad, you know, quote unquote mom friend. My kid is the one with more time, so yeah, I’m logically going to be the one to take on that role more. And I don’t keep score. And listen, I’m not perfect friend by any means.

I do think one way I have certainly in the past 10 years when I’ve been writing about friendship and thinking really deeply about these things, one thing I’ve done to make myself happier and more satisfied with my friendships is accept that not every friend can fill every role and just letting people off the hook a little bit. And I think she’s let me off the hook about the concert thing, meaning she didn’t write me off because I never come. So quick review of those five questions.

Did you get caught up in keeping score? That was number one. Number two, Did you overly focus on what your friends should be doing to strengthen your friendship? Rather than on what you should be doing to strengthen your friendships. Number three, do you owe anyone an apology? Number four, is there someone out there who might appreciate your friendship? You make the first move. Number five, did you accept that not every friend can fill every role in your life?

And you know, the beautiful thing about time and school years and summers and all of that, you’re God-willing you’re healthy, because that is not always the case. But if we are, then we have more time and we can always make changes. I hope that helps you go into the next school year with a mindset for healthy, happy, successful, fulfilling friendships. I have so many great episodes coming up this summer I’m excited about, and I hope you will stay tuned.

If we’re not connected on social media, I just want to give you a quick mention of where I am. I’m @Dearninafriendship on Instagram and on TikTok. I have a newsletter on friendship and on the books I’m reading and the TV shows we’re watching and all of that at Conversations About Friendship on Substack. That’s at dearnina.substack.com.

And finally, if you’ve got something out of this episode or any other episode, I would love if you would share it with a friend. Of course, I would love it if you would give it five stars and review it on Apple or Spotify or wherever you are listening to this episode right now, really the best thing in the world is to share it with a friend and have these conversations with the people in your life, because I think it will strengthen your friendships.

Thank you so much for being here. I’ll see you next week. I end every episode by saying when our friendships are going well, we are happier all around because I believe it so deeply. Thank you. Bye.