Managing a Lopsided Friendship and Assuming the Best

Welcome to another episode of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. I’m your host, Nina Badzin.

In episode 35, Anna Goldfarb joined me to discuss her viral article in Vox about managing a lopsided friendship. We talked about that feeling you’re putting more in the friendship and maybe even learning to be okay with it depending on the situation. We also touched on her viral piece in the NYT, “How to Deal With a Friendship Quiet Season.”

MEET ANNA GOLDFARB

Anna writes about friendships, relationships, and pop psychology. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, Vice, TIME, The Cut and more. She’s the author of the humor memoir “Clearly, I Didn’t Think This Through” as well as an upcoming book about modern friendship. She lives in Philadelphia.
Follow Anna on twitter @AnnaGoldfarb and on Instagram.

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Highlights from my conversation with Anna:

Origins of Anna’s viral article:

The idea came from looking around at my own friendships and realizing during the pandemic so much had changed in our personal lives. My best friend had a baby . . . I lost my dad. All these huge milestones happened. And I think there was a void there of ambiguity of where are we at with each other? What does our friendship mean to each other? I know that my friends have had big changes in their lives. I’ve had big changes in my life. Where do we come together?

And I think that if you’re the friend who’s always reaching out, who’s always making little reminders– always spending so much energy thinking about your friends, you naturally wonder are they thinking about me?

Anna’s tips for when you notice you’re the one always reaching out:

I think the biggest tip was resist assumptions. Resist the story in your head about what’s going on because a lot of times the stories are made out of thin air. It’s one data point. But there are a lot of data points. Look back at your whole friendship. You probably do love each other, but this might be a case where the priorities are shifting for your friends. And it doesn’t mean the friend doesn’t value you. It’s just that the friendship can’t be the priority right now. And that’s all.

Nina: I shared a meme on Instagram today from the account @mytherapistsays about how when we don’t text someone back, it’s because we’re busy. But when someone doesn’t text us back, it’s because they hate us.

Anna: I think social media really exacerbates this issue because you could see your friends at a park and then you’ll think, why haven’t they text me back? They have time to post a picture in the park. You start spinning stories and it’s incessant. . . You might have a fear of abandonment that’s triggered with with stuff like that. . . It’s a seductive line of thinking, but it’s not a fair line of thinking to your friends. That’s what I wanted to get out with this article. Take a step back from social media. Don’t give into the urge to tell yourself a story out of thin air and really just give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Anna’s tip for reaching out to a friend when you haven’t been together in a while:

I’m reporter and a journalist and when I pitch a story, I want to get to yes as fast as possible. I learned to make the leap with friends too of how can I get to yes as fast as possible. The strategy of saying “let’s get together” goes nowhere. You really need to offer specifics to make it easy to get to yes. My expert, Danielle Bayer Jackson–she’s phenomenal–suggested thinking of it like a movie preview. Instead of saying, let’s get together. How about let’s get together Saturday? How about let’s get together Saturday at 7:00. How about let’s get together Saturday at 7:00 at that new wine bar and we can try something bubbly, and let’s wear some new lipstick.

Quality over quantity 

Nina: And there’s a piece in the article too, about focusing on quality over quantity. Let’s take this wine bar example. So let’s say this event does happen. You go with a couple friends. My advice to people is, let that night count for a lot. Really take it in, have fun. Let that night really count. And even if it doesn’t happen again for a while, don’t erase that the night did happen . . .  Let’s say a friend text doesn’t text back for a while, but two weeks before you two had a great lunch. That all has to count.

Tell Your Friends You Love Them! And reach out!

Anna: Research says one thing siblings want more from siblings is to be told that they love them and appreciate them across the board. They wish they heard that more. And I’ve started using that with my friends. I’ve started telling my best friend, I love her and just being free with it. And that gives so much reassurance just to hear it of, I love you. You matter to me. I don’t want my friends to ever question our commitment or if we’re in a good place and that’s something that we can do. We can take control and just reassure our friends. I’m here for you. And I love you.

Nina: That’s a really actionable thing all of us can do. I’m so glad you said that because yeah, it speaks to that assumption thing too. Just like we are making assumptions, all of us about what our friends might be thinking. They’re also making assumptions and sometimes we can just get rid of the assumptions and compliment people and tell people how much appreciate them. We want people to see us and acknowledge us, and I think we need to learn to give. It’s just human nature to think about what someone’s not doing for us and what we’re not getting on that piece of the lopsidedness. And I think if everyone could take a little more responsibility for what, can you give?

When’s the last time you reached out for plans? When’s the last time you told a friend you appreciated them or missed them?

Some friendships will stay lopsided and maybe that’s OK

Nina: I think what you and I both come from a similar point of view of the solution to lopsidedness is not necessarily always evenness. It’s learning to accept some of the lopsidedness. Would you agree with that?

Anna: You know, I think most people are just looking for reassurance right now. It’s been a tumultuous, stressful few years filled with a lot of uncertainty. And if you’re feeling like you’re on shaky ground with a friend, the best thing you can do is just reassure them that you’re here whenever they’re ready or have space or even bandwidth, I’ll be here. I think it’s a powerful message to send

When it’s clear that a friend is pulling away and it’s not just temporary lopsidedness

Anna: I have a suggestion. I think there is a way you can take control. You can say, I’d love to go out with you next weekend. Suggest the park or something specific. Say, if I don’t hear back from you by Friday, I’ll assume that you’re busy. Take control so that if you don’t hear back, you understand what that means. You know that it’s not a priority for them. I would encourage, if you’re not hearing back from someone have that non-response be your response in a more explicit way. That’s what I would do. I’d say if I don’t hear back from you by Monday, I’ll assume you’re busy and I’ll reach out again next month, or you reach out to me next month when your schedule frees up. Have some, if this, then that plan.

Nina: I like that because that’s somewhere between direct and indirect. It gives the person, like you said, some control. The friend who’s being reached out to, in that case, if they truly are not trying to create some distance would be like, no, no, no, thank you for reaching out. I can’t do it Monday, but how about Thursday?

On finding out why a friend is drifting away

Nina: I don’t actually think it’s always necessary to know every single reason why a friendship is drifting apart. First of all, I actually don’t think you’ll always get the full story. So there’s a lot of stuff out there where people talk about kind of demanding the full story, but why do you think you’re gonna get the full story?

Anna: Yeah. You may not be entitled to it. It might be something deeply personal that you have no idea about. Maybe their marriage is in trouble and they’re not ready to talk about it. And I think you can leave the door open without forcing closure. You can just say, if I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume you’re busy. The ball’s in your court. I’d love to get together whenever possible. And I would just leave the door open, but definitely have an if then that, if this, then that and give yourself the gift of peace of mind.

Lean into other friendships!

Nina: I would say the final piece of advice here is lean into other friendships. There’s a little process of mourning that this friendship isn’t going to take the space that we hoped it would. And doesn’t mean forever, like we’re saying, but for right now, this isn’t gonna be your daily text person anymore. This isn’t gonna be like your weekly walking friend for now. And therefore this is an opportunity to lean into somebody else. Somebody new, somebody who maybe’s been reaching out to you. You know that teeter totter on your article. Sometimes we’re at the bottom of that. And sometimes we’re at the top. There are people I probably reach out to more and people who reach out to me more. And so maybe an opportunity like that, consider who’s been reaching out to you that maybe wouldn’t mind if you actually reached out a little more.

Anna: I think it’s always smart to reassess the season of what do I need now? What can I do for others? What can I give to my friend? Who’s kind of dropped off the radar who might be looking for companionship or a long distance friend that you haven’t really had time to sit down and talk with because you’ve been so busy with your local friends. Maybe it’s the time to reconnect with an older friend. There’s just a lot you can do. A smart strategy is to have a healthy friendship ecosystem and it’s like a garden and I’m sure Kat Vellos probably could testify to that. This is a large part of her argument with friendship is that you need a garden. I think it’s helpful to use that imagery here of, okay, what plant needs sunshine, what plant needs water, and to have a diverse ecosystem of friendships. And if one of your friendships is a little wobbly or feeling a little cool, it’s okay.

You can take control. You are in charge of maintaining your garden. And it’s a good reminder. You would want your friends to do the same. Like there are times where you won’t be able to give very much or there’s this other priorities and it could be financial, it could be your work. It could be your, you know, your personal life. Like you’re gonna need that understanding too. So I think that’s all healthy and normal and expected.

Assume the best!

Nina: The overall message to the whole theme of managing a lopsided friendship is oftentimes taking control of our mindsets–giving people the benefit of the doubt, not assuming the worst, not assuming we even know anything and trying to reach out for a visual thing so that they can see what it is. And if it’s feeling overly lopsided, then take control and lean into other friendships. That’s our summary. Did I miss anything?

 


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Nina Badzin hosts the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. She's been writing about friendship since 2014, co-leads the writing groups at ModernWell in Minneapolis, and reviews 30+ books a year on her website.

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Hi, I'm Nina

HI, I’M NINA BADZIN. I’m a writer fascinated by the dynamics of friendship, and I’ve been answering anonymous advice questions on the topic since 2014. I now also answer them on my podcast, Dear Nina! I’m a creative writing instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a freelance writer and editor, and an avid reader who reviews 50 books a year. Welcome to my site! 

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Hi, I'm Nina

HI, I’M NINA BADZIN. I’m a writer fascinated by the dynamics of friendship, and I’ve been answering anonymous advice questions on the topic since 2014. I now also answer them on my podcast, Dear Nina! I’m a creative writing instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a freelance writer and editor, and an avid reader who reviews 50 books a year. Welcome to my site! 

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I send an email once or twice a month with the latest friendship letters, podcast episodes, book reviews, recipes, and more.

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